Crackwhore Carrie 'Bad'shaw.

The awkward moment when you stroll around in public looking like a crackwhore.

Re-living a Carrie Bradshaw 'Single and Fabulous?' moment.. when the hot guy see's you in your not so finest moment.

Lesson 1:
A sly trip to the local shop for some hangover munch should NEVER be done without makeup.

Lesson Learnt.

xoxo

Here Comes The Bride..

The Boxing day ball turned into a bridal shower when my lovely friend H fashioned this hub cap halo on the long stumble home from a champagne and fur filled lash.
The reception banquet was free pizza all round as the local kebab shop caterers 'forgot' to charge..

WeddingDayWin.

The blushing bride herself.. 

with just a hint of evidence left in the morning..

The husband to be is a lucky guy!!

Happy Boxing lash, 

yet another day with an excuse for drinking.

xoxo

You scumbag you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot..

So it has been a while.. with Christmas in full swing taking over one whole month of the year with manic shoppers, crazy women charging like bulls with prams and hoards of grandma's filling up Sainsbury's 24/7 fighting over the last tub of sour cream Pringles...

Empty shelves everywhere.. you know because the shops are closed for one WHOLE day and god only knows what would happen if you ran out of cranberry sauce.. despite the 5 (spare) jars stashed away in the cupboard..

I have concluded that Christmas makes people insane.

Anyway it turns out Santa did not bring me One Direction for Christmas, apparently Louis says I'm too old, and Harry says I'm not old enough.
Next year I am wishing for crows feet like Caroline Flack.

Instead he brought me a great big HANGOVER..
And the memories of calling my Dad at 1.13am to see if he knew our taxi driver (I want to say Steve..?) after he kindly took us for chips and battered sausage..
Which I might add did make a lovely reappearance back up again #allaboard #chunderexpress

I blame the cocktails for waking up at midday Christmas day.. Still drunk.

WINNING.

Merry Christmas your arse, I pray God it's our last..

xoxo

The awkward moment when M tries to preach that rugby girls aren't all lesbians...

xoxo

Girls and their Pearls.

So today happens to be the anniversary of my b-e-a-utiful friend A's birth.
In our first year of uni she received quite a memorable birthday treat in the form of a cheeky 'pearl necklace'...

(Those of you new to this phrase may want to have a check of urban dictionary.. If you don't know what urban dictionary is I suggest you probably won't want to read the rest of this blog..)

Anyway along came second year, and as A opened her precious 21st gifts from her loving family, she unwrapped.. yep you guessed it.. the family pearl necklace.. Textbook awkward moment right there.. Try explaining that one to the Grandparents.

So, this year Phwoar, as you are far far away from us on your Birthday I am sending you a pearl necklace to let you know we love and miss you (or if I'm truthful just your mahoosive boobs)

May the pearl tradition live on!!

Ps. My gift idea for next year of pearl nipple tassels may be short-lived, as we all know in your old age gravity will take it's toll on those bad boys..

Do your boobs hang lowwwwww, Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow??
We all know I can. Grandma.

xoxo

Harvey Nic's - Upgrading the walk of shame since 1813.

After watching this 2011 Christmas ad for Harvey Nic's, I have come to the conclusion that a store is required along Cowley Road to brighten up those predictable, yet hilarious Thursday mornings post Fuzzy Ducks...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwxTf7NGVXg

Spot on promo for all the sluts of the world!!
Boom ting.

Who said that trackies and heels could only be pulled off by 
Lady Sov anyway??






Ps. For a brief education into the 'night' that is Oxford's Fuzzy Ducks every Wednesday.. See below..
Be warned - it's not for the faint hearted.
Enjoy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueIyWjKnvSQ

xoxo

My second favourite D&G.

I remember in my school days (yes ALL those years ago) how I lived my life by the rules of David and Goliath ®

#lifetheories

Dedicated to my fave Frenchy G.. take note beebs!

Many thanks for your expert advice D&G!

xoxo

Boyfriend season?!

With the depths of December upon us, and Christmas time (SO much food and wine) just 3 weeks away.. Winter is truly in our midst.

I love living in the country during the festive season.. roaring log fires, a glass of mulled wine, presents under the tree and cosying up to chick flicks on TV.. but why does it feel that something is missing..?

This is what I like to call 'Boyfriend Season'..

Every girl feels lonely on those cold winter nights, and lets face it a big spoon is defo a better version of a hot water bottle!!
(Minus the early morning friend poking you in the back ofc...)

However I had to give my head a wiggle at this thought, as being the ice queen I am, the only accessory I need this winter is a fur scarf and designer handbag.
My cotching and snugs are saved for my BFF and partner in crime J.

Love you sill! Frigid for lyfe.

Ps. Yes that is me, jus chillin on my throne. #bitchin

 xoxo

xoxo

The Awkward Wink.

Is it just me, or do winky faces on Twitter, Facebook, BBM and Txts make you feel awkward.

Massive cringe alert right there......      ;)

Never a fan of PDA's....

The only exception I make is my mum;

I'm not sure she's quite aware what the face means..

With reference to the usage of LOL, I still presume her definition is 'love you lots'.. unless she finds my dilemma's and moaning highly hilarious.. possible?

Serial winkers..
You have been warned.

xoxo

No-more-vember.

In the excitement of opening advent calenders (CHOCOLATE!!), I completely forgot that today was FINALLY the end of paedophile season.

Yessss I know it's all for a good cause, but we cannot deny that November is an entire month of every hot guy turning into Britain's MOST WANTED criminal look-a-like.

Defo time for celebration that the world is giving us back pretty boy clean shaven faces!!! Beaut.


Although I do think the Queens effort is one to be highly commended.
LAD.

xoxo

xoxo

'Everything was going just the way I planned the broccoli was done..'

The awkward moment when you whack your old school McFly cd on and remember (AND sing along to) every single word...

A couple of my favourites :

'Everything was going just the way I planned the broccoli was done, 
She doesn't know that I'm a virgin in the kitchen cause it's normally my Mum.
But then she called me, and that's when, she said to meee......
She wasn't coming round for tea.'

Such a hard blow for a young teenage boy...
I actually quite like Broccoli.







'We spoke for hours,
She, took off my trousers,
Spent the day laughing in the sun.
And we had fun...'

Well as long as you had fun, I think we can guess the rest boys....

I hope singing burns calories, because I spent the entire journey thoroughly prepping for next years X factor auditions.
The embarrassing stare from the car next to you when you stop at the traffic lights. Oops. Not ideal.

Check out the tunes yourself :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEDeMcSkgIU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TWwASiJrF4&feature=related

Still have a massive school girl crush on these boys. Cringeeee.

Now I'm off to eat some broccoli, as I don't think last nights wine counted as one of my 5 a day. #singlegirlproblems

xoxo

I'm gonna paint you by numbers.. and colour you in.

He may be ginger, and unfortunately NOT the star of Harry Potter as thought by some slightly 'special' person I know...
But this song never gets old and stops making me smile..
Ed Sheeran FTW


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4BLVznuWnU

xoxo

What was that..? A preview.

Despite the oversleeping and dodgy head, it seems Wino Wednesdays have been moved onto Wino Weekends with a large side order of Sex and the City... Don't tell me it's not educational...

"Front, back, who cares, a hole is a hole" - Ha classic Samantha!!

New forms of television procrastination have begun..
xoxo

All I want for Christmas..

Failing the One Direction ploy (as my celeb pulling days seem to have hit a low point right about now...)

My other Crimbo request is a pet Zebra called Zebedee.
My BFF J has picked out this little monkey and has him on hold.

I do, however, want him alive and NOT as a rug. That's what sheep are for.

Eeeeeeeeee too cute!!
Take note Daddy!!!
#spoiltgirlproblems

xoxo

It's gotta be youuuuuuuuuu..........

After watching an extremely educational documentary on ITV, I have re-discovered my obsessive love for One Direction...
Cringeeeeee alert...
I may be 'Granny D' to my friends but all I want for Christmas is Louis Tomlinson covered in baby oil, in my bed. Beaut. Beaut. Beaut!!!!

Failing that Harry Styles will suffice as second best...

So prettyyy

xoxo

Awkward Surprise...

Whilst pre Fuzzy Ducks drinking one cold Wednesday eve, I decided to leave M a little present for when she captures and drags an unfortunate conquest back to the depths of her bedroom...
After the curtain pulling/mirror smashing/toiletry throwing and general room destruction, I feel a heads up to any guy on what he is letting himself in for is only fair...

Even poor Dumbo is hiding away!!!!

Bants...
xoxo

I will not keep calm until I acquire this as my new pet...

"Tweety pie"

xoxo

Chuck and Blair..

As an avid Gossip Girl fan and also being the future Mrs Chuck Bass.. (Wow he is literally a GOD - those who disagree obviously need glasses).. I feel this video needs some recognition.

The Chuck and Blair love story continues.. Not going to lie, I got a little emotional #singlegirlproblems

As much as I love the french accent, someone stop her from marrying Louis!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVwBx1B8voM

Tissues at the ready... Enjoy!

xoxo

Drunkorexia... Don't mind if I do.

Today I have just come across British students new ideal craze...

DRUNKOREXIA



Now, it may sound scary but in fact the idea of cutting out some food calories to allow lash is a brilliant idea that myself and friends have been utilizing for years! (Yes were old 3rd years now... Awks)

Not only does skipping a cheeky meal before you go out mean you can get drunk muchhhh quicker, it also means you can drink muchhhh more calorie wise after scrapping off a load of carby pasta for your dinner.. I mean who lines their stomach pre pre-lash in this century anyway??!!

Another valid point is that less food in the day means more food when drunk. Obviously you would never find me begging for a free piece of chicken at Kebab Kid after screaming at the top of my lungs MORE GARLIC MAYO!!! For the record I stick to normal mayo these days as garlic has an urm, UNIQUE taste the morning after....
I'm also 'banned' from there as drunken chicken makes me chunder..

So here's the article with some drivvle on how less food and more alcohol is bad for your health or something.. Personally its how I live my life... As my BBF J would say...

ONE LIFE, LASH IT.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2050486/Drunkorexia-Young-women-skip-meals-save-calories-money-drinking.html

xoxo

Miracle noodles.. Who invented water anyway??!

Today I received an order of Japan's finest calorie free nooooooodles.

Not going to lie, considering they are made of around 99% water I did question where water came from, its such a nothing thing, whoever invented it - genius!!!

Anyways who would of thought, calorie free food, every girls dream right??

WRONG.


They distinctly tasted like slithers of octopus legs mixed with water balloons and a hint of cold bsketti (that's spaghetti in my child like terms)..

On the positive side no calories = WIN...
Dust anyone?! Dust anyone... no??


Try them for yourself : http://miraclenoodle.com/default.aspx

The only miracle I found was that I didn't chunder at the feeling of eating a chunk of Medusa's hair.

xoxo

Is this the way to Amarillo...?

It turns out the doggy fetish was established at an early age for C.....

Back in the days of Bebo. The awkward moment when he loves dog a little bit too much.
#wankbank #WOOF.

It has also been discovered that there is even more erratic pre-teen behaviour from C...

On the plus side, let's be honest, everyone secretly wants to know the way to Amarillo?


http://www.youtube.com/user/Greenygreenface#p/a/u/1/Ct_hinF7diE

C - Defo my fave fresha.. he has a lot to give.

For now..
xoxo

Lack of sausage makes M a grumpy girl...

Lack of sausage in and around the mouth and too much Dukan chicken has really effected M this week...

This is the only time I've seen the girl passed out, sober.

FAIL.










On the plus side, I found this picture for her to aspire to..

Finger Lickin' Goooooooood.

xoxo

No Carbs Before Marbs...

So my friend M is hitting up this new trend of the 'Dukan diet'.. where the idea is a pure protein diet (to begin with) so that your body uses your existing fat stores for energy....

I am estimating she has probably consumed around 74 poor chickens so far #chickenfiend

Devouring chicken or well disguised pregnancy cravings..? Who knows..

On the plus side she's lost over half a stone, so chicken population aside, this seems to work!!

On the whole I'm currently giving this diet a banging 9/10, as long as you're a fan of the chicken!!!

I know M has had some difficulties dealing with her lack of sausage this week... and without a night at Fuzzy Ducks this Weds, she's going to need to attempt to substitute her protein supplies from somewhere else #nodicktosuck #gobblegobble..

xoxo

My friend C... He made out with a dog...

 

I think the photo says it all..

xoxo

The Cookie League.

So my favourite housemate M has just informed me of the 'Cookie League'
.... Thinking of cookies is bringing back awkward memories of being thrown out of Subway after falling backwards over a pile of stacked chairs, whilst launching dorito's all over the joint mid fall... #foodfail

Anyway the league of cookies; a subtle way of summing up people in code to tell if you batting above or below average in relation to your own cookie grade.

M sums herself up as Tesco's own. Personally I'd say she's thinking pretty highly of herself... (love you really!)

The League:

• Bonio's - The worst you can imagine, but even worse. Along the lines of getting with a dead person. Dog ugly doesn't sum it up.
• Tesco Value - Prozzys/skanks, the duttiest of the lot.
• Pink wafers - Cheap/bland pikey's who have probably had a few fights with the ugly stick.
• Tesco's own - Boring, yet not awfully disgusting. Def's below average.
• Bourbons/custard creams - Standard looking, but packing a bit of filling (on the chubby side). Race dependent.
• Jammy Dodgers - Again packing some filling, but slightly prettier (the little red heart is cute and the jam quite sweet.. one of those 'personality over looks' scenario's)
• Maryland - Not bad in the looks department, but available at a reasonable price.
• McVities - Good but average in price, a level potentially everyone could reach. (Of course no private jokes about Jamie Laing)...
• Mikado's - Foreign meat at a pretty yummy level.
• Oreo's - Pretty darn tasty, good for a cheeky dunk...
• Cadbury's fingers - 'Fancy a finger?'.. the kinky ones #nuffsaid.
• Fox's - Quality biccies right there, good variety and something for everyone.
• Tesco's finest - Someone who probably thinks they are better than they really are #wannabebigshot.
• Fudges - Not so common but damn good if you find yourself one.
• Border - Good looking, luxury treat. Defo reaching the higher stakes and probably on the level of a Z list celeb.
• Duchy - Sooo yummy and hitting the almost-perfect status.. 
• Thorntons - The elite of biscuits, the unreachable, Johnny Depp, Chuck Bass, Brad Pitt, Matt Lanter and anyone else at a God-like level. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

Definitely cracking this into use on my next night out. Hoping to bag a Thorntons of course. Banter.

Thanks to M for introducing me to the cookie league. And now making me crazily crave cookies!!

xoxo 

Go hard or go home.

Currently recovering from an epic hangover from a standard epic night.
Woke up covered in bruises, cuts and knuckles that looked like I have punched a wall..


Turns out my BFF J stole a huge light up sign quoting 'Ricks'.. That's not even his name...


Yes, he looks like Jedward. Which one? Still currently under investigation..




Little memory = lashed to the max. #win.


I'm just Loving Life 2k11.


xoxo